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make the terrorist list

For those who’ve found it just too, too difficult to get the government to call you a terrorist
Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013
by Claire Wolfe

It’s gotten easier and easier to become a “terrorist” in the government’s eyes. Buy too many MREs. Join a Tea Party group. Get the same tattoo that your friends have. Talk too much about religion or the Constitution … all of that — and more! — puts you in the “if some jerk sees something, s/he’s supposed to say something (about YOU!)” category.

But frankly, people, some of you are just too lazy. Too lazy or too blandly innocuous even to qualify as a terrorist suspect by those lax standards.

All your friends are making their way onto “lists” or getting reported to the FBI and the DHS … and there you sit. Everybody you know makes the grade, but not you. You’re like the girl who’s always on the sidelines at the dance because “even your best friends won’t tell you” about your BO or your halitosis or the fact that you have armpit hair as thick as yak fur poking out from under your prom gown.

But all is not lost. Even you, you pathetic loser, can now — with barely a pinky-finger’s worth of effort — join the ranks of terrorist suspects.

How, you’re asking? How? Well, it’s so simple even a dork like you can do it. And here’s how. Here’s the word straight from the FBI itself (via Cory Doctorow): Just pay for your coffee with cash.

There. Straight from the horse’s ass mouth. Pay for a five buck purchase with cash and all good citizens will turn you right in to the Authorities.

So go. Now. Be accepted by your friends again. Make one of those highly coveted “lists.” Go to your nearest Starbucks today.